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 Post subject: NSFW: CB's Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Oct 18, 2006 10:40 am 
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Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class,and the teacher says that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no other animal in the world does this.

Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not correct, Miss!" he says.

"Please explain, Johnny," replies the teacher.

"Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on the verandah. The neighbors' Great Dane came around the corner, and my cat went "ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!", and before he could say "FUCK OFF!", the dog ate him!"

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 Post subject: mommy
PostPosted: Wed Oct 18, 2006 10:52 am 
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Little Johnny walks into his parents room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts. Worried about what her son has seen she dress’s quickly and goes to find him.

Little Johnny sees his mom and asks "What were you and dad doing?"

The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."

"You’re wasting your time," say’s Little Johnny.

"Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled.

"Well, when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."

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 Post subject: panda
PostPosted: Thu Oct 19, 2006 12:53 pm 
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A prostitute picks up a panda outside a zoo and takes him back to her place. The panda says, "Any chance of food before our session?"

The prossy gives him fried bamboo shoots, then gives him a terrific blow job. The panda shoots his load and starts to leave.

"Hang on,what about the money", says the prossy.

"Money?, says the panda, "for what?"

The prossy gets out a dictionary and shows the panda under P the definition of a prostitute - 'A women that gives sexual favors for money'.

"ahhh" says the panda, who then takes the dictionary and under P shows the prossy the definition of panda. Panda - Eats, Shoots and Leaves

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 Post subject: sunday school
PostPosted: Sat Oct 21, 2006 7:57 pm 
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The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven...which part of your body goes first?"

Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."

"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"

Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."

"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your feet."

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Why do you think it would be your feet?"

Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, "Oh God, I'm coming!! I'm coming! If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her for sure!"

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sun Oct 22, 2006 1:14 am 
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A man walks into a bar. He says, "Ouch..."


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PostPosted: Sun Oct 22, 2006 1:15 am 
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A skeleton walks into a bar. Orders a beer and a mop.


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PostPosted: Sun Oct 22, 2006 1:16 am 
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Mikey Welder-x walks into a bar. It's in New Jersey.


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sun Oct 22, 2006 1:16 am 
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He leaves, anyway.


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sun Oct 22, 2006 1:16 am 
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charlybrwn134 wrote:
Eats, Shoots and Leaves



Image



A favourite book of mine...
... with which Charly's obviously unfamiliar.


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sun Oct 22, 2006 1:26 am 
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FREE TO BE GIRLIE


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 Post subject: my teacher
PostPosted: Sun Oct 22, 2006 2:17 pm 
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A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class one day.

It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard.

Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class.

She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny, Patrick ?"

"I just saw one of your garters!"

"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days!"

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard.

Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard.

Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student.

She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny, Billy?"

"I just saw BOTH of your garters!"

Again, she yells, "Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment is more severe, I don't want to see you for three weeks!"

Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again.

So she bends over to pick it up.

This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student.

She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.

"Where do you think you're going?" she asks.

"From what I just saw, my school days are over!"

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 Post subject: mom&dad
PostPosted: Mon Oct 23, 2006 10:42 am 
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A teacher was working with a group of underprivileged children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory exploration.

With their eyes closed, they would feel objects from pumice stones to pine cones and smell aromatic herbs and exotic fruits. Then one day, the teacher brought in a great variety of lifesavers, more flavors than you could ever imagine.

"Children, I’d like you to close your eyes and taste these," announced the teacher. Without difficulty, they managed to identify the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher had them put honey flavored lifesavers in their mouths, every one of the children was stumped.

"I’ll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It’s something your Mommy probably calls your Daddy all the time."

Instantly, Little Johnny spat the lifesaver out of his mouth and shouted, "Spit ’em out, you guys, they’re assholes!"

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PostPosted: Mon Oct 23, 2006 12:06 pm 
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A string walks into a bar, sits down and orders a beer from the barkeep.

The bartender looks at the string and says, "We don't serve your kind here, get the hell out of my bar!"

The string walks out of the bar, depressed, and heads home. Soon he becomes angry and thinks, "This isn't right, I want a beer!" So he ties a big loop in himself and ruffles up the top really good, then heads back to the bar.

The string walks back in, pounds on the bar and says, "Barkeep, get me a beer!"

The bartender looks at the string and says, "Hey, aren't you that string that was just in here?"

"Nope," replies the string, "I'm afraid not."


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 Post subject: blondie
PostPosted: Tue Oct 24, 2006 9:15 am 
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A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

He said, "I’m doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"

She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

"And if you don’t mind my asking, what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex."

The researcher was a little taken aback. He said, "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child’s bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you’ve been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"

The woman said, "I don’t mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out." :roll:

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 Post subject: my lawyer
PostPosted: Tue Oct 24, 2006 9:20 am 
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My lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriffs Deputy.

He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure that he has a better education.

He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputies expense...

Deputy says, "License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What for?"

Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign ."

Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and regist ration, please."

Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket,if not you let me go and no ticket."

Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir."

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says: "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"
:lol:

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 Post subject: most definitely
PostPosted: Tue Oct 24, 2006 9:23 am 
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Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?"

First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue"

Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange..."

Second little boy... "Trees are definitely green"

"Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."

Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks: "Does a fart have lumps?"

The teacher looks horrified and says... "Johnny! Of course not!!!"

"OK... then I DEFINITELY shit my pants..." :lol: :lol: :lol:

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 Post subject: knock knock
PostPosted: Wed Oct 25, 2006 6:46 am 
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Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Scold.
Scold who?
Scold outside. :roll:

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 Post subject: mary
PostPosted: Wed Oct 25, 2006 6:50 am 
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A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus' mother's name?"

One child answered, "Mary."

The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' father's name was?"

A little kid said, "Verge."

Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?"

The kid said, "Well, you know they are always talking about Verge n' Mary.

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 Post subject: your mama
PostPosted: Wed Oct 25, 2006 6:54 am 
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Yo' momma's so hairy, you almost died of rug burn at birth!
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

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 Post subject: just married
PostPosted: Wed Oct 25, 2006 11:27 am 
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A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband 1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband 2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.

Husband 3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn’t get the system up.

Husband 4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband 5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband 6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband 7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband 8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband 9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband 10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!"

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